Posted by Big Cat on December 30, 2011
Originally posted at TheHotGlove.com
My reaction to the fact that it is now Week 17
Picks…
Tennessee -3 @ Houston – Houston is like that one friend in your fantasy league that never checks his team and gives up after week 4. Everyone loves playing that friend. Cakewalk win. In my league his name is Josh. Way to totally Josh the end of the season and playoffs Houston. Kudos.
Seattle @ Arizona -3 – Its not goodbye, its see you later.
Indianapolis +3.5 @ Jacksonville -I think we can all agree that after all was said and done with the 2011 NFL season I was right and David Bailey was wrong, Peyton Manning is in fact made out of glass.
Chicago @ Minnesota -1 – I may or may not have an under 7.5 wins for the Bears season future. And by may or may not I obviously mean I do and yes I fully understand that I’m a lucky son of a bitch because Cutler and Forte went down, the bears lost 5 in a row and I am now in a position to miracously win the bet. Which of course will not happen. I’ll get punched directly in the dickhole by the gambling gods. Its so Obvi its not even obvi.
NY Jets @ Miami -2.5 – When you win football games and say funny things and “ground and pound” you’re a genius and the class of the town. When you lose games by double digits and miss the playoffs because your team gave up a 99 yard touchdown and your terrible quarterback threw it 60 + times you’re just a fat asshole. Welcome to being just a fat asshole Rex. Glad to have you.
Sidenote – I hate Brandon Jacobs but telling Rex Ryan to “Shut the fuck up fat boy” opens up a little piece of my heart where BJ can live forever.
Carolina @ New Orleans -8 – Drew Brees broke a record or something. Not sure why it got so little press.
Comments:
Posted by Big Cat on December 16, 2011
Dallas -7 @ Tampa Bay – You magical ginger you, you’re ruining the Cowboys on purpose aren’t you? I could kiss you on the lips for that.
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Green Bay -13.5 @ Kansas City – I was thinking about this last night. If this line was reversed and Green Bay was getting 13.5 points would you bet your actual life on it? Without a doubt I would. And then A-Rodg would break his leg in the first quarter and the Packers would lose by 14 and I’d die.
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Carolina +6 @ Houston -6 – The one thing I do like about this Texans team is that they are literally the exact opposite of every Texan team before them. They’re no hype. They win ugly. They actually know how to play football and don’t end up 8-8 every season, and with that said they’re Definitely losing in the first round of the playoffs.
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Cleveland @ Arizona -6.5- This is supposed to be one of those magic eye things but all I see is a kid with a bowl shaped haircut that makes his head look like the top of a penis.
Seattle +3.5 @ Chicago – I hope that news comes out that Sam Hurd was the drug King-pin for the entire NFL and that every team had its own representative. Maybe that’s why Kyle Orton keeps getting traded. He’s like the Bill Parcels of cocaine dealing. He comes in, sets up your franchise and then leaves after 3 years.
Sidenote – If I can have one wish in my entire life I would wish that Tim Tebow is somehow tied into this whole thing. I just got hard thinking about that.
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New Orleans -6.5 @ Minnesota – 90% of the time it works every time.
Cincinnati -6.5 @ St. Louis – whatever
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Miami @ Buffalo +1.5 – Buffalo’s season, if the free sandals were Ryan Fitzpatrick.
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Comments:
Posted by Big Cat on December 2, 2011
Originally posted at TheHotGlove.com
Week 13, I’m starting to panic a little bit about the end of the season. And by a little bit I mean I’m freaking out.
Picks…
Denver @ Minnesota -1.5 - Farewell you fat sad quarterback. We had a good run.
Obviously I mean farewell after the Texans pick him up and he goes 12-36 172 yd 1 td/3 picks in the AFC divisional round.
Indianapolis @ New England -20 – So I came across a story the other day about a guy that stands to win 10 grand if the Colts go winless (link). What’s the cut off for random gambling stories? I feel like 10 grand is way too low. I don’t give a fuck if someone wins 10 grand. I know this sounds crazy but I don’t think I would even want to win 10 grand. Its too little. If I’m going to have karma swing my way in some kind of freak sum of money it better be more than 50 grand. Anything less and I’ll blow it before I even get my hands on it. If that makes me a lottery snob then so be it.
Oakland @ Miami -3 – Ooof, tough name
I feel like dating a girl named Chardonnay Hooker would be an instant boost to the street credit. It would be like when Mario gets 2 mushrooms and can shoot fireballs out of his face. Can’t mess with a guy dating Chardonnay Hooker. Impossible.
Carolina +3 @ Tampa Bay – Josh Freeman, after all the offseason popsicle sucking, is quietly having an awful season. Like really bad. Like 12 td’s 16 ints bad. Like lost 6 out of the last 7 bad. Just thought that shouldn’t go unnoticed.
Atlanta -3 @ Houston – This is totally not related to anything but I don’t think guys should eat goat cheese. Is that weird? Goat cheese just seems like a girl cheese to me. Men should eat cheddar, preferably very sharp, and pepper jack exclusively. If you disagree with me then you’re probably a pussy. Facts are facts.
Tennessee @ Buffalo -2.5 – This has the smell of a game where Buffalo gets back on track, you know, the track that has you start 4-1 and finish 7-9.
N.Y. Jets @ Washington +3 – Rex Grossman has his job back!!!!
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Comments:
Posted by Big Cat on November 18, 2011
Originally posted at TheHotGlove.com
This doesn’t even make sense. It sounds like a burger named after him at a local diner in Gainesville. God Damnit. I hate it all. All of it.
Picks…
Cincinnati +7 @ Baltimore – Baltimore is that kid in college you met on the first day and were best friends with for like 3 weeks. Parties, chicks, beer pong, an all around great time. Then one night he pukes on himself, gets in a fight with someone 3 times his size and offends every girl on your floor and you realize, ohhh, maybe Baltimore isn’t the friend I thought they were.
Sidenote – If you have ever said or thought about saying wacko for flacco I hope you catch Diabetes.
Seattle @ St. Louis -2.5 - SNAKE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING GRASS. JUST WHEN YOU THINK PETE CARROLL IS OUT, HE REELS YOU BACK IN.
Sidenote – I read a stat before the game last week against the Ravens that the Seahawks had lead in a game only 12.3 percent of the time this season. Lowest in the NFL. Yes, lower than a team that hasn’t even won a game. Unbelievable.
Tennessee +6 @ Atlanta – Quick tip. If your friend says put on this hat that covers your eyes and throw a log over your head. Don’t do it.
Tampa Bay @ Green Bay -14 – Hey Albert Haynesworth, remember that time you got so fat you fell on Matt Schaub’s foot and gave him a completely made up injury called Lisfranc? Good times.
Posted by Big Cat on November 14, 2011
Originally posted at TheHotGlove.com
New Orleans 26, Atlanta 23 – Mike Smith is a man. He shits with the door open. He riverboat gambles. He is 40 (possibly older). He cooks his own beef jerky. And when faced with a 4th and 1 on his own 29 yard line in overtime against his division rival he always goes for it and never succeeds.
Sidenote – Do you know Chris Berman calls Jason Snelling, Jason Snelling Salts. I’m not kidding. How the does this man remain employed? Jason Snelling Salts? I just want to die every time he opens his mouth.
Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 17 – “This is the type of game that your rookie quarterback needs to go through. Andy Dalton needs to learn how to win these types of games. You have to take your lumps in this league. Nothing is ever handed to you. Not in the National Football League”.
-Every football analyst ever.
St. Louis 13, Cleveland 12 – I said this game would suck and it certainly did not disappoint.
Sidenote – Didn’t that Cleveland Browns fan (link) just wish for the Browns to be competitive? Losing 13-12 at home against the Rams is what you meant right? Wish granted.
Dallas 44, Buffalo 7 – I think its pretty clear that Buffalo has been driving with the “other guys” brake pads all season long. (youtube link)
Jacksonville 17, Indianapolis 3 – At this point I bet on the Colts each week because I’ve lost every single previous Colts bet and I know the week I stop betting on the Colts they’ll finally cover a spread, not win, just cover a spread. Stay tuned because this strategy will definitely turn out well for me.
Posted by Big Cat on November 11, 2011
Originally posted at TheHotGlove.com
Before we get going a quick shout out to all the men and women who have served our country. There is a reason why America is the best country in the history of the world, and its in large part due to their service. So thanks.
Also, quick reminder people. Week 10. We’re rapidly nearing the end. I don’t want to be that guy but I’m totally going to be that guy. This is what you have to look forward to when the season is over.
Scary right? Cherish the last 8 weeks of the season. They’ll be gone in a blink of an eye.
Picks…
Detroit @ Chicago -3 – I drink because I’m poor and I’m poor because I drink.
Sidenote – I think Jay Cutler may actually be playing well this season. Can’t say conclusively but there is a faint scent of a real quarterback.
Arizona @ Philadelphia- So Vegas hasn’t posted a line yet for this game because Kevin Kolb is questionable. Which is basically saying Vegas saying we don’t know if the Cardinals will lose by 21 or 24.
New Orleans @ Atlanta pk - Now that Kim Kardashian is single again I think Darren Sproles should start dating her. Just so Reggie Bush can see what it feels like for Darren Sproles to dominate him both publicly and privately.
Buffalo +5.5 @ Dallas – If the Bills aren’t careful here there won’t be any more wagons for them to circle.
Pittsburgh -3 @ Cincinnati – So so true.
Sidenote – So awkward when there’s a bathroom attendant and he turns the water on for you. I try to play it cool, like I’m some reckless badass that refuses to conform to society and wash my hands, but both he and I know I’m the laziest person alive because he literally is ready to wash my hands for me and I still refuse.
Comments:
Posted by Big Cat on November 7, 2011
Originally posted at TheHotGlove.com
(Youtube Link)
If I hear one more person say that Bama/LSU lived up to hype I’m going to lose it. That game sucked. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar, or happened to turn it on for the 3 seconds that CBS caught this Alabama bro crying on national television. One or the other.
NY Jets 27, Buffalo 11: BAHAHA, what a pussy. If I was Rex Ryan I would bench Sanchez. Not even joking. I don’t care if he’s actually playing well right now, you can’t win with a quarterback like this. Can’t do it. Won’t do it.
Seriously though, how great is this picture?
Houston 30, Cleveland 12: Scott Fujita playing the role of Captain Obvious. Oh you mean the Browns are terrible? No shit Scott. Are you going to tell me water is wet too?
Miami 31 Kansas City 3: I bet Tony Sparano kept his sunglasses on the entire way back to Miami. 1-7 and bad to the bone.
Atlanta 31, Indianapolis 7: If there is a god, Andrew Luck will get drafted by the Colts and immediately blow out his ACL. I’m not saying I’m rooting for that to happen but I definitely am.
Comments:
Posted by Big Cat on November 4, 2011
Next year I will do this and ruin some kid’s Halloween. It will be glorious.
Picks…
N.Y. Jets @ Buffalo -2 – Battle of New York. Or Battle of New Jersey vs Southern Canada, you decide.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans -8.5 – I had a pen explode in my pants the other day and it absolutely destroyed my week. I’m not even joking. I haven’t been the same since. I felt like Pete. Everyone was making fun of me and being a total cockbag and I’ll I could do is sit back and let life kick me square on the tip of the penis.
Cleveland +11 @ Houston – So I’m sure everyone saw this guy who got a Texans Super Bowl Champion tattoo 3 full months before the Super Bowl, and 2 full months before the Texans flame out and finish the season 8-8. But here’s my question. Why has no one asked whether or not this guy is a time traveling witch or not? Shouldn’t we at least be a little curious? I think we should tie him up. Burn him alive, and throw him off a bridge. If he survives then we’ll know he’s a witch and if he doesn’t, well then our bad.
Atlanta -7 @ Indianapolis – Words cant fully express the amount of hate I have for the Colts. Its like a little baby seed that was planted at the beginning of the season. At first I thought Peyton would miss training camp. Then maybe just the preseason. Then a couple of games. Now he’s basically out for the year and the Colts get the only can’t miss number 1 pick since Peyton Manning. Fuck it all. Whatever the biggest tree on earth is I’m that. Except my roots are rat poison, my branches are swords, and my leaves are made out of lava and I’m providing shade for the entire city of Indianapolis. Death Shade.
Denver +8 @ Oakland – You See this face. This is the face of the man who will throw a costly interception that will allow the Broncos to come back and win a game in heroic fashion just so we can go back to square 1 with Tebow being a good quarterback. You’re going to ruin all the progress we’ve made Carson. I just know it.
Posted by Big Cat on October 31, 2011
Originally posted at TheHotGlove.com
(Youtube Link) Tim Tebow getting Tebowed, Just about the only football play that made me happy this weekend…
Houston 24, Jacksonville 14: Annnd there are the Jaguars we expect. Inept Offense like you can only dream about. Blaine Gabbert’s final numbers, 10-30 for 90 yards. Because when your quarterback has a rating of 26.7 and you have a pro-bowl running back on your roster, you want to make sure you throw at least 30 times. Zig where everyone else Zags type of thing.
Sidenote – Fat Guy Laterals!!!
Minnesota 24, Carolina 21: If I was AP or Steven Jackson or Maurice Jones Drew I think I would just fake an injury and go on IR. Whats the point on playing on a shitty team and burning up your glory years? Its like buying a ferrari and letting it run for an entire year in your garage. And don’t say they have a contractual obligation. Contract Smontract. Pull a fake hammy and eat potato chips until the rest of your team gets on your level.
St. Louis 31, New Orleans 21: Oh my god. St Louis is so hot right now! First the world series on Friday then the craziest upset in the history of sports on Sunday. How awesome is that!!!!!
Comments:
Posted by Big Cat on October 28, 2011
Originally posted at TheHotGlove.com
I don’t want to be the perpetual pessimist but its already Week 8. As in we’re almost halfway through the the NFL season. Its not that I’m freaking out quite yet, but lets just say the end of football is starting to loom and this might be the year where I kill myself after the Super Bowl.
Picks…
Cleveland +9 @ San Francisco – Bad news everyone. Looks like Robby Lange and I can no longer be friends. He’s a behind the scenes guy I guess. Life can be so unfair and cruel sometimes. I feel like we’re Romeo and Juliet.
I will say this though. Robby Lange is a class act. Dude knows how to break up fights and be respectful/cautious to possible internet stalkers.
Sidenote- I love how Robby pretends that people don’t call him Robby. Yeah right buddy, sure thing, we all believe you, you sly fox.
Indianapolis +9 @ Tennessee- Still struggling with the fact that Curtis Painter looks like a Hanson brother had a child with Kurt Cobain and that child refused to eat anything but Chicken Fingers and Pizza.
Minnesota @ Carolina -3 - Came up with a new billion dollar idea. Where right now can you get a Mexican toaster? Or a German Blu-Ray player? Or a Chinese Lamp? Or a French Blow Dryer? Nowhere right? WRONG. “Exotic Electronics”. I sell all foreign household appliances. Think its going to be huge in the immigrant market. Sometimes I amaze myself with my own intellect. Its a blessing and a curse.
