Packers’ Biggest NFC Threats

Posted by Danny Goldin on September 12, 2011   Jump To Comments

Quite possibly the only thing funner* than making wildy-outrageous assumptions after the preseason is making wildy-outrageous assumptions after the first week of the regular season. Hey, you think Cam Newton can pass for 6,000 yards? He’s on pace for 6,752! Why did LeGarrette Blount only get 15 rushing yards? Should I trade him for Bills tight end Scott Chandler? With that said, I don’t think it’s out of line to say the the Packers looked DOPE this week. We’ve already handled the Saints, so here’s a look at how our other potential NFC threats looked.

*Funner is a way funner to say funner than ‘more fun’

WHITE MICHAEL VICK LOVES PUPPIES

Eagles: OH MY GOSH, DREAM TEAM YEAH, FUCK A PUPPY, LET’S ALL EAT CHEESESTEAKS AND SPLOOGE ON THE LIBERTY BELL. Alright, the Eagles looked relatively good, though there O did look rusty, putting up just 10 points through the first 2.5 quarters against an awful Rams D. They’ll be a tough out as long as Vick can stay healthy, which there’s like a negative 5 percent chance of happening, according to both science AND Will Hunting.

Bears: I’m seriously ecstatic that the Bears looked so great against the Falcons. We already know that Jay Cutler is a loose, roast-beefy pussy who will inevitably fail when the pressure is on — that is a given — so why not let the Bears fans get there hopes up? Because if the hopes are never up, they’d never be able to tragically burn, crash and shit themselves back down.

Lions: The Lions actually looked real good, with a nice road win against the Buccaneers. Stafford has a chance to be a fantasy stud, and I really can’t say for sure that any Transformer would actually be a better receiver than Calvin Johnson. Luckily, the Lions are still from Detroit, and NOTHING good EVER happens to anyone in Detroit, in any aspect of life, so we’re safe.

Falcons: They lost to the Bears, EL OH EL!